Open Letters
Dear Patrons:
What the Hell? How many more signs can we put up? How many more times do I have to play the announcement before the show? THERE IS NO FOOD OR DRINK ALLOWED IN HERE. It’s simple really – it’s a really old fucking building, and your dumb ass bringing shit in that you eventually drop or just leave on the floor does nothing to help it stay a really old building for generations to come. But I’m wondering now if that’s what really, well, grinds my gears. I think what it is… is this – how blatantly open can you be about the shit you brought in here? You heard the announcement! You saw the signs hanging up! Why do I so easily find you? To the four fat ladies who came here for a movie and sat two in front and two behind just so they could all reach the huge bag of chips they got in – what is wrong with you? And chew with your fucking mouths closed. Marlee Matlin could have found you from the sound of you eating, let alone me. To the idiots who got their cans of soda in tonight – next time you pop them open, do it during the loud ass trailers… not when the theatre has gone quiet at the start of the actual movie. PCHK PCHK PCHK! You’re the reason there’s little hope for the future. To the off-duty usher who never pays to see anything here and rarely works enough to make up for it – YOU WORK HERE! You know the policies! But you still brought a fucking McDonalds Sundae in here in your purse. And all the rest of you too. It’s not that I’m so upset by the food – most Americans, if anything, are fucking hungry idiots first and foremost, I know - no, it’s the stupidity.
Dear TLC:
Shouldn’t a station that calls itself The Learning Channel think “OK, what will people learn from this show?” Sure the Cake Boss is entertaining, and my lovely wife has a thing for What Not to Wear but really, how much of your soul do you have to piss away to actually produce Toddlers and Tiaras? Isn’t it enough these are the worst fucking parents out there raising their children to either A) hate them or B) be just like them? Does that really need to be televised? And which one of your producers can’t keep his hand off his dick with the ‘little people’ show fetish? I get Little People, Big World, they’re a pretty unique family, but The Little Couple? OH MY GOD, they can marry and live together and have a really fucking boring show about it? And the fucking Little Chocolatiers? OH MY GOD, they can hold a job??? And please, stop putting the thought in the heads of parents who probably shouldn’t be parents everywhere that the more kids they have the better chance they have to get a show on your fucking channel. 18 Kids and Counting, oh wait no, it’s 19 now. Table for fucking 12, Jon and Kate plus Eight Children of Divorce Because of You. I bet you’re trying so hard to make room for that fucking Octomom you’re thinking of having her date a series of little people you throw at her. Finally, worlds converge! You dangle money in people’s faces and make them whore out their own families for your ratings, and for that… well, goodness, you’re just assholes aren’t you?
Dear Governor Paterson:
Please stop. Please. Just stop. Just. Stop. You are… phew… you are just awful at what you do.
I have to disagree with you on one thing. Governor Patterson is great at what he does- destroy states and tear them to pieces.
Chris will appreciate the insight, he hates it when people break the rules.
Those letters are awesome!! The one to the patrons is brilliant! I hate people that blatantly break rules! They are there for a reason damn it. We just saw Grease at Proctors and after they announce like three times no pictures or videos these girls a couple rows over are using their iphones….with the flash!! Usher was on them in a heart beat. Would have love to seen him stomp on the f-ing phone and then hand it back to them!