5:11 AM – The Moment of Clarity

One month later from where I left and one year on from when I started this and I seem to have come right back to the beginning.  But a beginning’s a start, right?  (I know, so fucking deep, you catch that?)

This isn’t where I hoped I’d be, but it does allow a certain amount of retro/intro – spection, so to speak. So to catch up -

I’ve come to realize that I’ve lost myself somewhere here.  I’m not sure where I went, I usually ask myself to leave a note when I’m going out but apparently I didn’t listen and I forgot to take my cellphone.  I just know that I’m not the person I once was, which is fine, but I’m also not the person I could be, which isn’t.  Chalk it up to laziness or ambivalence or just plain ignorance… I need to be better.  I can’t continue to hate myself, or else I’ll have to break up with me, and that’s just going to get ugly.

The other day it started really pouring down rain, and Cooper wanted to go sit on the front porch so I took him out.  He sat in his little rocking chair and I just stood on the top step feeling the mist hit me.  I don’t know why but I stepped off and was drenched almost immediately.  Cooper came running after me, laughing and hitting every puddle he could.  I took him down to the curb where a small river was flowing by and we stood in it together and it just felt… good.  It was the first time in months that I felt my mind slow down and shut up for a few minutes.  The rain felt great, and watching Cooper tipping his head back and smiling as he squeezed his eyes shut I just felt, for a little while anyway, some quiet, some relief.  What it must be like to just know happiness alone as a single thought, right in the moment, like it might just go on and on…

The doctor has been kind enough to put me on a second medication for my blood pressure, this one apparently doing something the other doesn’t.  Even with meds, my BP has just kept going up and up.  I have ‘stress issues’ I’m told.  I don’t even like to look at it on the monitor anymore, but I am kind of sick of just hearing that I should be on something rather than being questioned about my shitty diet and lazy ass.  Shouldn’t that be the first thing they work on?  Or at least tell me to work on?  Hell, when three pharmaceutical reps are in the waiting room with me I should probably know better, right?  Oh what the hell do you know?  Might be time for a new doc, doc.

We’ve managed to take a swipe at that list I talked about a while ago.  We have a new insurance company, with more insurance for still less than what I was paying before at State Farm.  We’ve been slowly but surely getting some things on eBay, and making a few bucks too.  Next up – credit card consolidation.

I’ve spent the past week really fighting the late night eating, which I’d gotten back into in a big big way.  And I think I’m finally getting there.  Funny how easy I lose myself sometimes… not really.  I think it really hit me when I realized I was starting to put my own shitty eating habits on the boy.  Sure, you can have a cookie for lunch, we’ll have veggies tomorrow… or the next day, I’m sure…  where are you going with my soda?  Ah, you’re so fuckin’ cute with your little hands and that big can, go ahead and finish it. 

I know.  What an asshole.  You don’t have to tell me, I’m the one that did it.

But yeah, no more of that.  It just can’t keep happening.  Not to him, and not because I suck.

So things are going to change a little around here.  It’s still going to be about me trying to be healthy, but it’s also going to be about just trying to be a better person.  Me trying to be a better person, not you – you go write your own fucking blog.  What I mean is, I’m not pushing ideas on anyone, and I hope this has never come across that way.  I like most of you just the way you are.  Sure, some of you are just magnanimous farts, but hey, I’m sure there’s some good in there too.  You know, I once heard it said that farts are just ghosts of the meals of yore.  Isn’t that nice?  So, you know, you got that going for you.

Yeah, that’s right, a month off and I come back with a fart joke.

~ by Dan on September 15, 2009.