Ticking Away

Who has time anymore?

I don’t.  I certainly don’t have time to cook.  Nor do I have time to plan out meals.  Or go running in the morning. 

Or to just stop and breath.

I do however, and oddly enough, have plenty of time to watch So You Think You Can Dance.  And peruse the internet like I own stock in it.  And bitch about not having time to do anything…

I have a list on my desk at home of things that need to get done.  ‘Look into new insurance company,’ says the top thing.  That’s been on my list of things to do for 4 1/2 years now.   ’Get craigslist and eBay items listed,’ says the next.  Oh, those boxes of things I’ve had for three years?  I just can’t find the time to do it.  I easily squeezed entire seasons of Fringe, Lost and Criminal Minds into my busy schedule, but nothing that might lighten my load and save me a few bucks.

I had a professor in college who didn’t make us buy any books – he made us buy a planner.  Said it was the most important thing we’d own, and man was he right.  I lived by my planner in college, right down to the hour, but these days when I buy one, I fill it up with things then toss it somewhere and I don’t look at it again.  I have calendars here at the Opera House and at home with my schedule on it, and the most I use them for is to remind me that I have a show and at some point, I need to go back in to work if I’m not just staying there already.

My desk is filled with lists here at work just like at home.  And some of the stuff here has been transferred from list to list down through the years.  ‘Schedule Tech. Committee Meeting’ – oh yeah, I’m all over that, just like I have been the past couple years since our last bi-monthly meeting.

So I suppose it comes down to this – do I really not have time?  Or do I just not care?  I like to think I care.  But I also think that I honestly don’t have time for many things.  And I also know that I can be just stupendously full of shit, especially with myself, so there’s a kicker right there, Jimmy.  Either one of those things – I don’t have time, or I don’t care – are purely first person oriented, like Moby Dick.  They’re both my own outlook, and they both suck (Moby Dick isn’t bad though).  And if there’s anything that’s been on the lists of things I need to do for longer than most, it’s been to change my outlook.

But every time I think I’ve changed the way I see things…

When Cooper was born, he was up at all hours.  And so were we.  And it was awesome.  Suddenly you’re up at 2:30 in the morning, and every moment is just this beautiful little being.  Then he’s asleep again and you’re up again at 4:30 and it’s so quiet it’s just perfect because it’s just the two of you staring at each other and talking (more or less) and this goes on for awhile and it’s all new and you realize you’re finally ‘in the moment’ and there’s nothing else.  I finally felt like I was appreciating time and holding on to the minutes… and then soon after, Cooper started sleeping right through the night and it was back to business as usual.  And time just kicked in to overdrive and hasn’t slowed down since.  I can’t believe he’s already 2 years and a few months old.  And it just keeps flying by.  Ever hear the song ‘Dancing Boy’ by Harry Chapin?  It’s like that.  Go listen to it, I’ll wait.

Did you tear up a little?  NO?  What the fuck?  You have no soul.  I don’t know why I even try and share things like that with you.  You’re such a… God, I don’t even know…

My regular work day, when I don’t have a show, is from 7 in the morning to about 2 or 3.  When I started here ten years ago, I thought that was great because it leaves me the whole afternoon.  Now, I feel like the whole day’s shot and there’s not enough time in the afternoon to get as much done as needs to get done.  Which is stupid, I know, but it’s just how it is.  No, I know.  I KNOW, shut up.

When we go on vacation or get away anywhere, it’s over in my head before it even really starts.  We’ve always gone to Maine in the spring, usually a Monday to Monday week, and even when we’re just pulling up to our cottage on the first day, in my head it’s like well fuck, the week’s almost over with…

So what to do?

I’ve therapied, self-help booked, listed, re-listed, meditated, tai-chi’d, listed again, past-life regressed, nutritionisted, and cried at the end of My Dog Skip.  But none of those things really did it for me.  And that sucks.  Because all that leaves… is that it’s just me.

I’ve managed to make myself believe that my pessimism, procrastination and disinterest is because I don’t have time, when actually it’s because I’m a pessimist, I procrastinate and I’m not interested.

And there’s time.  Of course there’s time.  Anyone that tells you they don’t have time is a liar and a douche, don’t forget that.  No, wait…

The first step is always admitting the stupid shit to yourself.  The obvious shit that everyone else sees and you know they do.  So maybe we’ll start there.

And yeah, apparently I have time to blog.

Oh, and make videos…  but eating right?

SIDE NOTE – The tune I used in this mentions ‘prayer’ alot.  I really dig it but anyone that knows me knows I’m not really one for prayer.  But I’d pray for the folks in this if they needed me to.

~ by Dan on July 12, 2009.